Two months later & exactly 44 years from HS graduation!

I'm trying to own the word/concept "hoarder."  I think of hoarders as people who buy things and hold on to them and who get anxious when confronted with the possibility of releasing these things.

What it feels like from the inside of me is that I just can't get the energy to deal with my stuff -- already stacked up -- bought by necessity -- or brought in on loan, as some of those books on the kitchen table and in the bedroom.

But maybe by accepting the term "hoarder" I can kick this habit -- as after I accepted "addict" and was able to kick nicotine.  This is a new notion -- fewer than 24 hours and so far, all I've done is think about it -- unable to act.  However, writing is the first action and perhaps I will go DO something else about it.  Here goes.

Ready to write up a storm....light drizzle?

I am pleased to report that I was up at 6 AM today....woke up earlier and was in tears thinking about the sorry state of virtually very aspect of my life.  After 30 plus minutes of self pity/terror/pity, etc...., decided I would get out in the front yard and gather up them leaves been sitten there since last fall. And, it seems, that within little more than an hour I had filled one regular-sized City non-trash dumpster with last year's fall leaves.  Then a miracle happened.  the City truck rolls up, empties my dumpster, which allows me time/space in which to fill it up again....Before 9 a.m. I had cleared the front yard of all (most) dead leaves, random rotting neighborhood fliers, papers, etc.  On to the back yard, where Nelson tree service (in service of the electric company) was ready to trim the tree under which my car was parked.  They strongly suggested that I move it.  Happy to do so, I did.  Then I figured, as long as they were trimming branches in the back, so could I.  I got out some much smaller equipment and went after the two large branches in the holly tree.  The problem with the branches was that they were lying across the electric lines coming into the house.  I grabbed the end of one, and rather easily flipped it out of the tree.  It became my tool, my long fork poker with which I would persuade branch #2 so slide free.  I was working away, trying to use all the laws of motion and gravity that I had grasped while in the process of failing all the Physics courses I took ---- but I thought I got Newton OK...Except, it seems for a bit of wave motion (maybe he wasn't even into waves)....seems my manipulations in the holly tree were causing ripples on the high up power lines and I was innocently (?) threatening the power supply of my neighborhood....just like that!  Home grown terrorist.  HmmHmm.   Anyway, the nice fellow came in the yard and quickly got the offending branch safely down, out of the yard...no harm, no foul. 

Flushed with my success, I cleaned up and went in search of my missing Census form.  Missing in the sense that I couldn't tell you I ever saw it....and this would not be a reflection on the able services of the USPS, which seem pretty reliable to me.  I went to the neighborhood organization, got my form and left it there with their outgoing mail.  I thought about asking for a job right there and then, but thought perhaps that impression might not have been the best. 

Next came the trip to the bank across the street.  That was more challenging, as I learned that my mis-handling of my USPS relationship had caused several things to be returned to my bank, including my new ATM card.   Without actually coming out and saying that I'm totally nuts and can't really be expected to handle anything more important than a pack of gum or coffee order, I made some vague excuse for how mail had been allowed to behave so badly.  NOW.....will I have to go to the PO tomorrow morning, own up to more shame?  That's another day, Scarlett. 

A new day

I've been all over the place today, emotionally.  Woke up without the alarm at 7:16, fed Little Bits, myself, then returned to bed -- felt more physically tired than actually sleepy -- although it seems that I fell asleep again rather promptly.  Woke again during Diane Rehm's 1st hour, hot, panicky, feeling dreadful about my life, myself, my future, etc.  Worked on calming myself down -- Poulie threw up on the comforter -- finally arose somewhere during the 10 a.m. show and took some Ritalin and walked the dogs.  While out walking, it occurred to me that perhaps I COULD return home and spend a couple of hours working on the kitchen mayhem. 

It is now 1 p.m.  I have spoken to Maria and we have agreed (my idea) to meet for 20-30 min walks in the a.m. as was our previous custom in the evenings.  We meet midway between our houses and walk the dogs.
We will begin tomorrow at 8 a.m.  

Accomplished beyond the above mentioned plan was gathering of trash and recycling, one load of laundry completed (not yet dry), and one set out to run as soon as I finish this.  My goal is to leave for the laundramat with the comforters and wet clothes about 3 p.m.   I may need a nap, feeling sleepy at this moment.  Will have some cheese and Pepsi first --- but will put in the next load before even that. 

Life doesn't feel quite so hopeless, although I would call this, again, SLOW progress.  But I need to remind myself that progress is progress....keep the faith, baby.  

SLOW progress

Here it is, February 17, 2010, and I have accomplished little, lately.  On the other hand, I'm not dead, and as has often been observed, tomorrow is another day.  I am not scheduled to work and have plans to begin to make order in the kitchen.  It is a daunting task.  Removal of trash, bags of music, multiple other extraneous items unrelated to traditional kitchen business must be disposed of -- and not just shifted to another pointless pile blocking the entrance/pathway in another room.  I think that three hours of effort is sufficient to make a visible dent, and not so much that I will be overwhelmed before I can lift a hand.  Actually, perhaps two hours with a 3rd as optional.  I need to go to Costco for dog food, and perhaps to the laundramat if I can multitask and get some laundry done while working on the kitchen (entirely do-able).  Yes, I believe this is a happy plan.  I will also walk the dogs "first thing" -- First thing does not have to be at the crack of dawn.  Oh....and I should go to the Y for some exercise.  Eliptical cross trainer followed by the whirlpool....sounds good. 

A Brief Observation of Time...going to be brief...can't get into the body of the text!

Holy crap (or carp, as originally typed)....time do fly

A gentle voice of truth spoke to me the other day, mentioning that I had not posted any comments here in "some time."  I explained that I had been embarrassed about my total lack of progress in creating a human friendly environment in my bathroom -- and rather than do anything about actual change in my physical setting, the best next option seemed to simply not write about anything.  Seemed fairly transparent, stright(?)forward...logical (???)....well, it's what I did!  

So here's the deal.  Life wasn't going all that well.  A friend suggested therapy.  As a former therapist I instantly negated that idea as absurd, pointless.  Then I thought about it.  Picked up the provider book, ruled out all the places I might like to work in the future, places I've worked in the past.  Ruled out people I've already supervised, people I know to be incompetent....People I've already worked with....and spied Terri Ohlm's name.  I came so close to being a no show to that first appointment.  SO CLOSE.

I'm so glad I went.  We started with what seemed to be the obvious issues -- those centered around the anniversary of my mother's death, then just two years previous.  My neighbor was then battling cancer, began to clear lose that battle, ultimately died December 6, after only one month in hospice.  Christmas looming....but somewhere in there, the idea of ADD, in attentive type began to emerge for Terri.  Well, yes, this had been briefly addressed 3 years ago, but we went nowhere with it save one trial on one medication that did absolutely nothing (Stratera).  No further med was tried and I just continued to struggle to manage mother's decline. 

Sparing one or two details, I will simply say that I have been on 30 mg of Ritalin LA for just short of two weeks.  The first weekend saw me begin to organize and clean the bathroom.  It continues to be organized and clean.  (truth in advertising, I'd better scoop that litter first thing in the a.m.) 

I was a litlle dismayed that I was not able to shift immediately to such effective production in the bedroom.  It then dawned on me that things in there were not so clear-cut.  However, I have cleared out an entire book shelf and even taken some of the books to Hammonds for either sale or whatever happens to them after that.  I have continued to maintain a handle on new items for recycling and continue to organize the back-log.  Bottom line, there is actual progress.   It is not dramatic progress.  The place is still a disaster.  But I can go and look into the bathroom and feel hope. 

I have come to understand that I have had a thought disorder.  And when under the influence of Ritalin, my thoughts are much clearer.  It is very much like how I see with and without my glasses.  Without my glasses I see vague images, no focus, no sharp edges.  I can hardly get the toothpaste on the toothbrush.  Life is difficult, even for apparently simple tasks.  Glasses on, meeting toothbrush with paste is SO easy. 

I wish the analogy help so directly -- Getting organized, even on Ritalin, seems a bit harder than getting toothpaste on a toothbrush....BUT....and this is SO IMPORTANT....I feel hopeful. 

I hope to write more.  About the process as well as the accomplishments.  Thank you Nikki for your kind encouragement.  Thank you Terri O and Dr. Ryall for the meds.  Thank you Carolyn for that push back to therapy....and thank me, Catherine, for listening, having the courage to persevere and to continue to try to live well.  I'm not sure I've ever stated that I deserve a nice life --- and that I need to create that for myself.

A sidebar, probably not unrelated is that Maria and I have made some very nice meals together.  More on that to come.  Love to all, including me, Catherine .   

Layers

I just looked up how to sign up for the dog park. I have to fill in two forms and mail them. They must be accompanied by a photo of me with the dogs and a copy of their current rabies vaccinations. Maybe tomorrow at lunch Jackie will take my picture with the doggies and send them to me. Then I can go to PWs and fill out the forms, print them, copy the rabies forms and maybe get that all together and get it into the US mail. This is the kind of stuff that is so daunting. Maybe I'll find the cord for my camera and download some pictures myself. Oooh, just found the cord. Somehow, that made me feel better!

OK, so now I need to walk the doggies and go to bed. In the a.m. my plan is to get up early, walk doggies, clean the bathroom, give doggies a bath and then go to lunch by 10:45. Given that I have put off cleaning the bathroom for quite a while, this will be quite an accomplishment if I can manage it. If I can get up at about 7:30, I should be able to do this. OK, St. Anthony....I will confess right here one way or the other. (report?) CW