Holy crap (or carp, as originally typed)....time do fly

A gentle voice of truth spoke to me the other day, mentioning that I had not posted any comments here in "some time."  I explained that I had been embarrassed about my total lack of progress in creating a human friendly environment in my bathroom -- and rather than do anything about actual change in my physical setting, the best next option seemed to simply not write about anything.  Seemed fairly transparent, stright(?)forward...logical (???)....well, it's what I did!  

So here's the deal.  Life wasn't going all that well.  A friend suggested therapy.  As a former therapist I instantly negated that idea as absurd, pointless.  Then I thought about it.  Picked up the provider book, ruled out all the places I might like to work in the future, places I've worked in the past.  Ruled out people I've already supervised, people I know to be incompetent....People I've already worked with....and spied Terri Ohlm's name.  I came so close to being a no show to that first appointment.  SO CLOSE.

I'm so glad I went.  We started with what seemed to be the obvious issues -- those centered around the anniversary of my mother's death, then just two years previous.  My neighbor was then battling cancer, began to clear lose that battle, ultimately died December 6, after only one month in hospice.  Christmas looming....but somewhere in there, the idea of ADD, in attentive type began to emerge for Terri.  Well, yes, this had been briefly addressed 3 years ago, but we went nowhere with it save one trial on one medication that did absolutely nothing (Stratera).  No further med was tried and I just continued to struggle to manage mother's decline. 

Sparing one or two details, I will simply say that I have been on 30 mg of Ritalin LA for just short of two weeks.  The first weekend saw me begin to organize and clean the bathroom.  It continues to be organized and clean.  (truth in advertising, I'd better scoop that litter first thing in the a.m.) 

I was a litlle dismayed that I was not able to shift immediately to such effective production in the bedroom.  It then dawned on me that things in there were not so clear-cut.  However, I have cleared out an entire book shelf and even taken some of the books to Hammonds for either sale or whatever happens to them after that.  I have continued to maintain a handle on new items for recycling and continue to organize the back-log.  Bottom line, there is actual progress.   It is not dramatic progress.  The place is still a disaster.  But I can go and look into the bathroom and feel hope. 

I have come to understand that I have had a thought disorder.  And when under the influence of Ritalin, my thoughts are much clearer.  It is very much like how I see with and without my glasses.  Without my glasses I see vague images, no focus, no sharp edges.  I can hardly get the toothpaste on the toothbrush.  Life is difficult, even for apparently simple tasks.  Glasses on, meeting toothbrush with paste is SO easy. 

I wish the analogy help so directly -- Getting organized, even on Ritalin, seems a bit harder than getting toothpaste on a toothbrush....BUT....and this is SO IMPORTANT....I feel hopeful. 

I hope to write more.  About the process as well as the accomplishments.  Thank you Nikki for your kind encouragement.  Thank you Terri O and Dr. Ryall for the meds.  Thank you Carolyn for that push back to therapy....and thank me, Catherine, for listening, having the courage to persevere and to continue to try to live well.  I'm not sure I've ever stated that I deserve a nice life --- and that I need to create that for myself.

A sidebar, probably not unrelated is that Maria and I have made some very nice meals together.  More on that to come.  Love to all, including me, Catherine .